For my daughter

My darling Genny, you are growing up. I knew this would come, and that as you grew you would become more and more independent, but as happy as I am that you are able to achieve milestones every day, I still think of you as my baby, my precious baby that I couldn't wait to hold. Two whole days of waiting to hold you as you lay in the NICU a hospital miles away from me. Maybe this is why I cherish these snuggles even more now, now that you're getting older and less likely to plop down on my lap where I'm sitting and lay your head on me. But this afternoon you let me remember, let me hold you the way we've always done.

This afternoon you put your arms around me and rest your head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around you, our bodies forming to each other. I hear your breathing, something that every mother must cherish. I hear your soft grunts as you reposition yourself to mould better to my embrace. The slight catch in your breath as you shift your head on my shoulder. These creaks in your breathing are more special to me than any of the compliments I get from strangers about you. They remind me that you are mine, that you are my child and that you need me. I need you in the same way that you need me. Your determined stubourness is lost here, with your head on my shoulder. You’ve lost your power or perhaps don’t care to fight for it. I am your mother, you are my child. I will let you put your face in my neck anytime you want, and hope that you will when you’re wanting me to be a simple answer to your craving for comfort.

Summer Bucket List: A Walk Through Downtown Carlsbad

After reading a post by Kelle Hampton about staying on Mackinac Island and deciding to take her kids out in their jammies after dinner to stroll the streets, I thought to myself, we live in one of the best areas of the country to do that, we should TOTALLY do that! So last night at dinner I thought about our day, and it had consisted of a lot of errands. We spent the morning running around, telling the kids that we had to hurry, and in all essence, making them conform to our needs. I don't like making the kids conform to our schedule all day long, kids aren't built for that. They need time to explore, to play, to try things out and see what happens. It doesn't flex the muscles in their brains to sit in a car going from place to place, getting out of the car, then being told not to touch things and to quiet down, then getting back into the car to go to another place where they will be told not to touch things and to quiet down. So after dinner last night, we were off, PJ's in the car and sweatshirts packed in case it was cool. We drove to downtown Carlsbad where we walked and looked. The kids touched things and shouted in excitement. It made me feel good to bring them here, and I told Thomas that exploring the coastal towns near us after dinner should be on our summer bucket list. Hopefully my kids will have slices of memory from these explorations of our area, remembering the cool salty air or the music we danced to in the parking lot. Maybe they will just get a smile on their faces when they are older and spend their twilight hour walking along the streets of a coastal community, not knowing where that smile is from, but feeling joy anyway. Maybe that's why it makes me happy; my family had a boat and we spent summers at the marina or out on the water. I'm sure that's why I've always found happiness near the water, seeking it out when I feel sad or in need of guidance. The water makes me calm and happy. I hope that my children feel the same way.

It was a nice evening, probably in the mid 70's. We parked off Rosevelt and didn't have a plan, just strolled.

We looked in shop windows and sat on the ledge of a fountain named after a man named Glenn something.

We waited to cross at an intersection and Genny talked to the cross walk because it talked to her.

Thomas was talking to his dad for most of our walk, but I know he enjoyed it too.

We found a small plot that had a red phone booth and a rose garden with a path. The kids ran around and talked on the phone, which, if you're a three year old or a five year old, is very cool.

We stopped for ice cream...

And ended the walk looking at a painting on a building.

I'm still smiling from our walk.

Car Organizer Tutorial

We are about to embark on a three week family vacation that will take us from San Diego, to South Carolina, to Michigan, then back to San Diego. As soon as I realized we were actually going to do this, my mind started listing things I wanted us to have to help things go smoother. So for the last few weeks I've been trying to sew everything I feel we need to help us stay organized, which will in turn keep my stress levels lower. This car organizer was one of the more complicated projects and I'm glad it's done. I made some mistakes, but hopefully my tutorial will help you to avoid them if you decide to make these.

I started off by measuring the back of the front seats of our car. I added an inch to the length and width when cutting the white fabric.

Materials:

base fabric (I used white)

pocket fabric (I used the chevron)

coordinating thread

snap press (if you have one, if not, don't worry about it)

It's helpful to have a cutting mat, rotary cutter and clear ruler for accurate cutting

I chose very cheap cotton fabric for my base. Since I was using a twill for the pocket fabrics, I needed to add some strength to the fabric. I could have used interfacing, but I had batting left over from another project, so I used that instead.

I cut the base fabric and batting first. I wanted to have a visual of what the pockets would be on when I started cutting them. So I sewed the base fabric to the batting.

Then I measured the pockets. I cut both the chevron and white fabric, then sewed them right sides together, turning them right side out and pinning the opening closed when I was done.

One of the mistakes I made was trying to put the elastic for the cup pocket in while sewing the right sides together. If I was to do it over again, I would sew the elastic onto the right side of the base fabric AFTER I had turned the square right side out. Then sewing the pocket to the base would have been much prettier and easier too.

When decided on the measurements for my pockets, I focussed on having a pocket for their cups first, then knew I wanted a lower large pocket, and just kind of filled in the space that was left.

After I had sewn all the pockets, I laid them out on the cutting matt.

Then I pinned them down and sewed them.

I added a strap to loop around the head rest. It's placed wrong in this picture, it should be pinned to the pocket-side and hanging down. I put the end of the strap in one of the pockets so it stayed out of the way while sewing.

I put the second base fabric on top of the pockets, then pinned it down. I'm not an over-pinner, but for this I made sure there were plenty of pins.

I made sure to go over the strap several times to make sure it was secure.

I left an opening, and brought the right side out. I like to use the back end of a crochet hook for corners and thinner straps that need to be turned right side out.

And there you have it! It was more work than I'm used to when sewing, but I think they will work out great. And I will add a snap to the loose end of the strap with a few snaps so we can adjust it as needed.

Thanks for checking out my tutorial, and make sure to check out my Etsy Shop!

Boxy Makeup Bag Tutorial

I found This bag while pinning tons of sewing projects that I may or may not ever get to. I loved the boxy look of the bag, and thought it would be a perfect bag to replace my current makeup box that I've had since I was in 8th grade. (a mere eighteen years ago...) As I started cutting the fabric I realized that the bag would be too small for my makeup items, and so I made it a little larger, and at the last minute I added a strap for my wrist or hanging it. I also used PUL as the lining, thinking it would be nice and water proof, but after finishing the bag I realized that I would have to construct it differently to make it actually water proof, so if you're making it at home and are wondering if you should use PUL or not, I would recommend using nylon instead because it's cheaper and it will still have the same effect of the PUL for this design, which is to keep the inside wipeable if you spill makeup. I referred to the PUL in this tutorial, only because that's what I used, but again, I would recommend using nylon.

Here are the supplies:

~two pieces of fabric 10X8" (outside fabric)

~Two pieces of PUL 10X8" (inside)

~One piece of 3X10" fabric (handle)

~Two pieces of interfacing

~one 14" or 16" zipper

~coordinating thread

I always cut the fabric twice as high, then cut that in half. This makes it easier for me to cut two pieces the same size for some odd reason.

I ironed the interfacing to the wrong side of the outside fabric. Then I placed the PUL right side up on top of the interfacing. Then I sewed them all together.

Then I folded over the long end by about a 1/4" and pinned it to the zipper. I sewed the zipper on (unzip the zipper first to make it easier if you don't have a zipper foot)

Put the right sides together so the PUL is showing and the zipper is on the left. Sew the right side only, leaving the sides that are perpendicular to the zipper open. (sorry- I somehow forgot to take a picture of this step)

Now position the bag so the zipper is on top and in the center. (like below)

Unzip the zipper a little bit and trim the excess zipper. Sew the open ends together (this is where you would add your strap, wait to sew these open ends until you sew the strap)

To sew the strap, take your 3X10" fabric strip and sew right sides together, leaving one side open. I use a crochet hook to turn it right side out. Don't worry about finishing it because the unsewn end will be inside the bag anyway.

Turn the bag inside-out and pull the corners out and sew those. I don't have a picture of this, so refer to the link above because she has some great pictures.

Here is the finished bag! I'm so excited to use this because, if you're anything like me, you make a lot of things for other people, but not much for yourself.

Do you think I picked the fabric subconsciously knowing it would match my makeup?

Dear Man Watching Me Play On My Phone While My Kids Are Playing At The Park

Dear Man Watching Me Play On My Phone While My Kids Are Playing At The Park,

I am a SAHM. That's Stay At Home Mom if you don't know. I get up every morning before my husband to feed the baby or snuggle with my kids on the couch while I wake up and become someone who can function. I may be tired in the morning because I was up every hour or two with a newborn or every few hours with a toddler, or a few times to calm a scared preschooler who had a nightmare. I may sleep with my kids, which never allows full sleep because every time they move I wake up a little to make sure they aren't falling off the bed or kicking their sibling or father.

After I've woken up, I change diapers and get breakfast ready. I pack lunches and go over my to-do list for the day which always includes carving out time in the day to do something special that each child wants to do. I plan small surprises for my kids because I love to watch their eyes light up when they see that I've found her favorite tutu for ballet or his Franchesco car he was looking for yesterday. After my children eat breakfast I get them ready for the day. We pick out clothes, brush hair and teeth, and if I have any girls, we pick a ribbon for her hair. Then change it to a headband. Then change it to pigtails. I may take some of my kids to school, but the little ones that don't go to school, those are the ones I get to play with all day. After we come home from dropping their sibling off at school, we play with their favorite toys. We drive Franchesco on train tracks and I hold her hand while she spins her ballerina spins. I laugh and take pictures, posting them on instagram and face book, because these moments are precious and fleeting. I text their father at work, sending him a picture of his daughter in her ballerina outfit, one he will probably make his wallpaper.

After playing, we have lunch. At lunch my children ask me questions and I answer them. We see who can crunch the loudest and I remind them that if they want to be big and strong and smart, they will eat their veggies.

After lunch we play some more, this time maybe a puzzle or a preschool matching game. Then they have nap time. While they are napping I clean up from lunch, and start to prepare dinner. I clean what ever part of the house needs it, and fold laundry while they are finishing up their nap. After their nap I take them to the park because we have thirty minutes before we need to pick up their sibling from school. At the park I watch them behind my sunglasses, holding my breath when they look like they may fall off that first step of the play structure, or worry that the kids she wants to play with will say she can't play with them. I take pictures of them playing, and then sit down on the bench and upload them to fb and instagram again, making sure to tag grandma because my daughter is telling me, "show Grandma that I made it across the monkey bars all by myself!" I have spotty signal, so I'm concentrating on that while my daughter twirls next to me and my son calls for me. I don't reply to them because I'm taking five minutes to post some pictures of them. When I'm done posting the pictures I will reply to them, this teaches them patience and also shows that I was paying attention.

Then I notice a man watching us. My alert is activated and I take my kids to the car before they were ready because when a middle-aged man watches you and your kids at the park you have to assume he's out for your kids, or going to write an article about the five minutes you weren't watching your kids. Either way, you don't want to be near him.

For My Daughter's Friend's Mom

Today is a beautiful day. Living in San Diego, most days are like this. A few clouds, mid to high 70's, and just enough breeze to make you chilled in the shade or comfortable in the sun. We had a busy day planned. I begrudgingly got out of bed (after my late night coming back from school), I went straight to the kitchen where I squinted at the muffin box to see what ingredients I needed for the mini muffins I had promised for the Easter Meetup. After realizing that I didn't have all the ingredients, I moved on to making breakfast and getting ready for the day. We were out the door early, something so rare that it put a smile on my face as I drove to ballet.

Her mom was running late, something that happens to each of us at one point or another. It's rare for all of the moms to get to ballet on time. I always try to help out if I can, I'll help the girl get her tap shoes on while her mom brings in the other child. We all help each other, because we've all been there.

Today the girl was standing outside the glass door, trying to open it (something none of the girls can do). She had her ballet backpack rolling behind her and was saying something to her mom when I got to the door and opened it for her, ushering her inside so I could put her shoes on. It didn't register that her mom was walking slower, or that she looked uncomfortable. I had my blinders on and was trying to her her daughter into dance class.

Her mom sat on the bench in the hallway next to the two-way mirror where our girls were dancing, a wince on her face while her son played and babbled to her. My son said something to her and I said, "Honey, she isn't feeling good because she has a baby in her belly."

"It's not morning sickness, I'm cramping and bleeding." I'm sure my face fell. Who's wouldn't? Words of support came out of my mouth, but I'm sure they were poorly said. I never seem to know how much to say or not say. The rest of ballet went like that. She looked pained, and I tried to help. She was coming to the meetup after ballet at the park, so I would see her there.

At the meetup, she was the same. She went to the bathroom more, and we each offered to take her kids home with us, but she declined. Her husband was coming home, she had an OB appointment at 1:30. We all laughed with the kids, helped them find the Easter eggs we uncleverly hid, and tried to get them to eat a few veggies to combat their cookies, cupcakes and candy. We said things like, "What a beautiful day." and we ran to our children if they cried or needed help crossing the monkey bars. We talked with each other, joked that we were eating a weeks worth of calories in one sitting. Then she went to the bathroom again.

I was watching Glenn. He was standing in a patch of sunlight and the breeze was blowing his hair. He was looking at something and then took off running to it. I scanned the playground and saw Genny, head bent in determination, trying to collect sticks for her Easter basket. She too took off running to her friends, adding a skip in every few steps like she does. I was watching them, thinking of her in the bathroom and thanking God for my children.

She came back from the bathroom crying, her face showing her pain, both emotional and physical. She whispered to me, to no-one, "It just happened. I just felt it happen. I have to go home." I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. I put my arm around her and rubbed her back. She was collecting her things but I hadn't begun to function again yet. She was talking, but I don't know what she was saying. All I heard was white noise. I had to move with her to keep rubbing her back while she was packing her things in a plastic grocery bag. And then I came back. I helped her get her things, and tried again to offer any help I could. I told her to go sit in the car and I would bring her kids and her things to her. She shook her head, maybe she needed to keep moving to keep from breaking down.

Another mom helped her to her car. When she came back she hugged her young son and said, "I love you." We were all silent, watching our children play.

I've never miscarried. I don't know what it's like. But I've had death around me, and even though this baby was only eight weeks in her belly, it was a baby and it was loved.

New Years Eve

I was talking to my sister tonight, and she said something to the effect that I was good at thinking of fun things to do on special occasions. I laughed and said, "Usually I'm a day late and a dollar short!" I always have the best ideas for a celebration the day after it happens. Well, not today!

I recently found out that in Downtown Disney they have an ice skating rink. Guess what we did for New Years Eve? Glenn wasn't as thrilled as Genny was. We left earlier than we could have, but my toes were cramping and Glenn was pitching a fit and out of his skates by then anyway.

We stuck around Downtown Disney to check out the lego store and the build a bear workshop. We fit in some ice cream somewhere in there and rode the bus back to the parking area which was a treat in itself for the kids who (I'm pretty sure) have never ridden a bus before.

On our way home I realized that we would be getting back to town just in time to watch the sun set from the pier. I amped Genny up for it by talking about how cool it was that we were going to be the last ones to say goodbye to the sun in the country. We got there and ran, racing and laughing towards the pier, and even though it was cold, it was fun to wave goodbye to the sun and say, "See you next year, sun!!"

The only thing that could have made this New Years Eve better would (of course) be if Thomas had been here. This has been a tough deployment and I feel like I miss him more than I have before.

Even though I miss Thomas, I'm so glad and feel so blessed that I can stay home with my kids and watch them grow and change every day. I wish I could have a video log of all these days and special moments that fly out of my head because there are so many. I wish I could keep these memories for a rainy day when both kids are away at college and I'm missing them. Pictures will have to do, and I'll remember enough to keep me happy.